A month ago, I left my fiancé. A perfectly normal man who loved me unconditionally for nearly four years. The voice I’d been hushing found a microphone and turned the volume up until it was all I could hear: This isn’t right.

I’ve been called brave by women whose inner voices reached their eardrums long after marriage, kids, and houses. It’s a mantra that plays with every heart beat.

I’m brave. I’m brave. I’m brave.

But it’s not in leaving him that makes me brave. It’s in reminding myself who I want to be every day since I have. Sticking to the decision that I deserve to live the life I dreamt of when he didn’t touch me the way I wanted to be touched. Didn’t look at me they way I wanted to be looked at. Didn’t affect me in the way I wanted to be affected. But how could he? I wasn’t me with him. I’m me without him, and I don’t know who that is anymore.

And that’s the part where I could say, “Isn’t that exciting? You get to rediscover yourself! No one ever knows who they really are anyway.”  But fuck that for now. I’m gonna grieve and be scared and write about it until I pass out. And then I’m going to rest. And all that fortune-cookie shit will unfold. And I’ll be okay.


8 thoughts on “okay

  1. Wow Colleen I didn’t know you had broken up.  It’s ok to grieve – go ahead and cry, get mad, laugh, relive the good times.  And you’ll move on when you know the time is right.  Much love to you.  Tink

  2. Here Comes The… by Butch Walker will hit the bullet points. Self discovery isn’t rainbows and kittens/puppies. It’s hard, but necessary. And random stranger disappears back into the internet…preferably with a puff of ‘ninja smoke.’

  3. So glad to have you back writing. Hope you find peace with your decision as time moves on, and look forwarding to keeping up with your journey along the way.

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